Brrrr….. It’s Cold Outside #290

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Hey Drivelers, it seems to be cold outside. Frost on the pumpkin and all that. Mother Nature always likes to remind us just who is in control. These type of days take me back to my childhood on the farm. We were cold most of the time. Occasionally, the electricity would go out. Mom & Dad would hang blankets over the doorways, start the oven in the stove in the kitchen and that is where we would stay until came back on.

That brings me to my doctor. Huh? My doctor tells me to handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

Ever find yourself becoming bored since you retired? Yeah, me too. I have resorted to reading books, listening to music (60’s of course), playing with the dog, staring at my drone wishing I was a better pilot, putting puzzles together. Frankly, after a few months of this, you just get a little whanky. Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is never a good thing. Now here are some of the other things I have tried from time to time.

For instance, at lunch a couple of days ago, I ordered a diet water from this very nice and young waitress. She turned, took a couple of steps before she realized that she had no clue what diet water was. After I stopped laughing, I apologized to her profusely because I didn’t want foreign objects added to my food.

Back in late November while shopping in Kohl’s, I think, I was bored out of my mind and feeling just a little bit mischievous. Now on this trip I was by myself so the current wife was not around to restrain my “enthusiasm” or question my sanity. I picked up a pair of slacks and entered the fitting room. I proceeded to drop my drawers to my ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!” OMG – can you imagine the ruckus that created? What fun!

Another time I walked into the local CVS pharmacy, picked up a box of condoms. I don’t remember the brand now. I walked over to the counter and asked the young clerk where the fitting room was. I was still laughing as they escorted me out of the store and asked that I kindly take my business to Walgreen’s.  What’s that? Oh, my current wife – what did she think? Let’s put it this way, the last thing she said was “Oh, my God” and walked away. That was January 7th. Been quite in the Bailey household.

Since the beginning of the year, I have been toying with the idea of creating a bucket list. Now, I have never made a bucket list before so I am not exactly sure what goes into a bucket list. Here is what I have so far.

  1. Refrain from doing silly things when I get bored. (See above.)
  2. Put “GOD” back in America!!
  3. Borders: Closed!
  4. Congress: On the same retirement & healthcare plans as everybody else.
  5. Congress: Obey its own laws NOW!
  6. Drug Free: Mandatory drug screening before & during welfare!
  7. Freebies: NONE to non-citizens.
  8. Language: English only.
  9. Budget: Balance the stupid thing!
  10. Foreign Countries: Stop giving them our money! Charge them for our help? We need it here.
  11. Fix the tax code!
  12. Respect Our Military and Our Flag!!

Not a very exciting bucket list. Looking over these items, I don’t see a one that will ever be completed. Is that what a bucket list is – a list of things that you don’t have a chance of seeing accomplished?

I was sitting at the bar of Jimmy’s Grill and Bait Shop last week. My coffee drinking buddies were on the ice trying to keep from falling in and fishing. Anyway, I was sitting there staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker stepped up next to me, grabbed my drink and gulped it down in one swig.

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” he said, menacingly?

I looked at him. The thought of dropping my drawers and shouting “There’s no paper in here!” I decided wouldn’t accomplish much with this guy. So I suddenly burst into tears. Oh, come on, man,” the biker said, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I said, “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then, my dog bit me.

“So I came here to Jimmy’s to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show and drink the whole damn thing!” “But, hell, enough about me. How you doing?

My quick thinking saved my a** once again. Never saw the biker again after he stumbled out of Jimmy’s. I probably should take up ice fishing.

You remember the TV show Hollywood Squares game show? It basically was tic-tac-toe game. Each square had a celebrity in it that would answer a question. If the contestant guessed correctly, they would get and “X” or “O”. Here are some questions and responses from the show. I thought you might enjoy.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency…

Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Stay well, “OLD FRIEND!” We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again –TA!