Drivel Over Coffee #288 11/24/2015

“Some men see things as they are and say why – I dream things that never were and say why not.” George Bernard Shaw 

Are you ready for the turkey? Yep, me too. Sven and Svenette are hosting this year. Really looking forward to it. It is always a good time except it is just too brief. With these two cooking I am assured of a fantastic meal. This will be the final Drivel for 2015. Seems as though we have covered a lot of ground this year albeit inconsequential at best. I don’t think my ramblings will garner any awards but I think it will cause a smile or two occasionally.

During my winter sabbatical I will be exploring the viability of starting a 501C3 non-profit. I have ranted on numerous occasions about the epidemic of ‘stupid’ spreading around our country. I feel someone needs to step up and take my fight to another level. My group will be named Stamp Out Stupid (SOS). It is estimated by someone I think that 1 out of 4 Americans has been ravaged by stupid. Little is known just how it is transmitted but since it has been tracked it has been seen to spread particularly among the younger generations for some reason. I will have more on this next year.

I have been looking at a couple of places to spend some of the winter where the weather is more welcoming. I just can’t decide though. Now take Phoenix, Arizona where

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

Or, I can go to Florida, where

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Do you have suggestions? Is one of these better than the other? Probably just move my recliner to the south side of the family room like always and stay stuck in Iowa for another year.

My current wife, Sue, and I went out to eat the other night. Our meal was brought to our table in due time. After a bit I waved for the waiter to come over. He saw me wave and walked over to our table. “How did you find your steak, sir?” “Well,” I replied, “it was simple. I just lifted up a Brussels sprout, and there it was!”

Senior Dress Code – Now this is important so PLEASE read this. Many of us “Old Folks” (those over 50, WAY over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided.

1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spike hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Mini-skirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedo’s and cellulite.
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. Inline skates and a walker.
And last, but not least and my personal favorite.
13 Thongs and Depends.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to mind.”

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.” The pastor hollered out “GRACE”. The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.” The pastor said “POWER.” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.” The pastor said “SEX.” The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from way in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.” Gotta love little old ladies!

While on the subject of religion, God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning.’” “Oh, is that so? Tell me,” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.” “Well, that’s interesting. Show me.” So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil. “Oh, no, no, no,” interrupted God, “Get your own dirt.”

Stay well, “OLD FRIEND!” We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!