Drivel Over Coffee #286 11/10/2015

It doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship, a lifestyle, or a job. If it doesn’t make you happy let it go.

Tuesday already – hard to believe. I am always amazed at just how time flies. Seems like it was 1969 only yesterday. I really don’t know what happened in between.

I will never understand why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out. As Stuart, the minion, would say, “Run for your life! There are stupid people everywhere!” Apparently, when you treat people the same way they treat you, they get offended!

Tomorrow is Veterans Day. Take a moment to give thanks to All of the women and men who were sent off to fight wars on foreign soil for a cause not of their choosing and who returned changed forever. Either they died too young, were wounded by the enemies bullets or damaged mentally by the horror of war forever. Shake a vet’s hand, pat him/her on their back or give them a shout out. As a Vietnam veteran I am most familiar with this era. 2,709,918 Americans served in Vietnam, this number represents 9.7% of their generation and includes 7,484 women that served also. 58,202 soldiers died with 61% being 21 years old or younger; eleven women died. 303,704 soldiers were wounded. Rather sobering I would say. God Bless.

Seniors Guide to Texting Abbreviations  
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder!
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WMP: Wet My Pants
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking

In A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

A week after Billy Bob’s brother, John, bought a bull, he complained to a friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.” Billy Bob passed samples around at the Old Farts Coffee Klatch last week.

Forgot to do yoga yesterday. That makes it 6 years in a row now. Believe it or not, I am in shape. Unfortunately that shape is a potato. I thought I was losing weight but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

I was standing at the bar one night with a buddy, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my rear-end and said, “You’re kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?” I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?” She said “Yea, I got a pen”. I said, “Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you”. Cost me 6 stitches!

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven’t seen a squirrel on their property since.

Stay well, “OLD FRIEND!” We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. -TA!