Drivel Over Coffee #277 9/8/2015

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” Steve Jobs

Hey, how is it going after the long weekend? Seems as though we just had Memorial Day. That was only a couple of weeks ago – right? I am always a little down with Labor Day. Don’t get me wrong, fall is one of my favorite seasons but Labor Day signals to me a downward spiral of our weather that I will have to endure until April. Oh, before I forget again, I will be publishing “Drivel Over Coffee” on the holiday schedule. Instead of appearing Tuesday AM it will appear sometime after that. I forgot to mention that last week.

You know it’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, ‘Oh my. He’s kicking. Do you wanna feel it?’ I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. “Oh my…give me your hand…It won’t be long now…”

Question: If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him – is he still wrong?

I was in Hy-Vee last Saturday getting a few supplies to carry us through Labor Day. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys while I was picking out a turkey breast. She couldn’t find one big enough for her family it seems. She snagged a stock boy and asked, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No, ma’am, they are dead.”

“What would you most like for your birthday?” That question gets harder and harder to answer as we get older, at least for me. The guys at the Old Farts Coffee Klatch last week were talking about that. Spud told us the story of what happened when he asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. She thinks for a minute. “I’d love to be ten again,” smiling broadly. So on the morning of her birthday, Spud gets her up bright and early. Off they go to Adventureland theme park. What a day! Spud puts her on every ride in the park — The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there is! Wow! She staggers out of the park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into McDonald’s they go. Spud orders a double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie. It’s the latest Star Wars epic, with plenty of cotton candy, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure of a day! Finally she wobbles home with Spud and collapses into bed. Spud leans over lovingly. “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” She opens one eye and stares at him. “You idiot,” she moans. “I meant dress size!”

Later Herbie starts in on one of his favorite topics – women. He tells us how he is in bed with his lover Nancy. Herbie also happens to be Nancy’s husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwords, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is Nancy’s house, she picks up the receiver. Herbie looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of a quite cheery conversation… “Hello?” says Nancy. “Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.” As she hangs up the phone, Herbie asks, “Who was that?” “Oh,” Nancy smiles, “that was just my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Questions man has pondered for decades.

1. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

2. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

3. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. If “CON” is the opposite of “PRO”, what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

5. You can’t buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it.

6. If you look like your photo in your passport – you surely need a vacation.

7. The more I know people – the more I like my dog.

8. Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.

Speaking of telephones, I have an old telephone that came out of our farmhouse a good 60 years ago. It has a crank on the side used to ring the number you wanted. In those days we didn’t have “private lines” like today. We had “party lines”. There would be 8 to 10 people on the same line. If you were talking, anyone on the line could pick up their phone and listen to your conversation and even chime in if they dared. Our number was “two longs and a short”. You would give the phone crank two long cranks and then one short one. If you heard it, you answered it. Today we take our smart phones for granted. We even fool around with things like the greeting message for voice mails. I have had a few cute one over the years but never one quite like this one. “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are, too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love’. Beep.” The message “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”

I read that a lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other’s clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock. “Quick!” she said to the man, “It’s my husband! You’ve got to get out of here quick!” “Where’s the back door?”, the man asked as he grabbed his clothes. “There isn’t one”, she replied. “Where would you like one?” he asked.

I told the OFCK (Old Farts Coffee Klatch) about the time years ago when I came home, my current wife was crying. “Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed. “My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” I asked. “I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.” “And?” “At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Sue, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

Finally, at the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated loudly. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.

If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!