Heavens to Betsy it is Tuesday already and time to inflict the wrath of Drivel on my unsuspecting readers. Time seems to pass so quickly these days. Perhaps it is because I have so many projects to get done before the cold weather gets here. There is the trimming of lilacs in back, finishing touches on landscaping in front, finishing the cleaning of the garage with ensuing organization. A retired old fart’s work is never done.
I do take time each week though to have a cup of French Roast coffee with a group of guys of similar predilection. I have been remiss by not including these characters in my blog before now. I simply have to admit that I was ashamed. These guys would be the stereotypical “Old Farts”. The discussions border on the insane, incoherent, politically incorrect, slanderous, poor taste and just not fit for prime time. That is just me, the rest of the guys are pretty good old farts.
Billy Bob asked me, ‘How did the fight start?’ I replied, ‘I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ Not thinking, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started…’
Spud and Red sat across the table today. Red asks, ‘Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Heck the bills are distasteful enough, now they are stuffing junk mail in there with them. I decided to get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank you.” So I haven’t gotten any nasty calls.’
Herbie asks, ‘Does your wife use fabric softener? My wife does. I never knew what that stuff was for. I I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.’ Spud chimed in, ‘Herbie, just what are you implying here. Are you looking for some “action”?’ No response from Herbie, just a red face.
Spud is not very tall and looks like a potato – kind of an oval shape and bad complexion. Herbie is 6′ 2” or 3” sort of good looking when he covers his bald head, wears his contacts and puts in his glass eye. Red is just Red. Red hair, reddish complexion (high blood pressure) and skinny. Billy Bob is a character. He used to own Billy Bob’s Sewer Sucking Service and Carpet Cleaning. He retired a few years back. Gave the business to his son, Willy Rob. Billy Bob still dabbles in it a bit. Hard to go cold turkey in the sewer sucking business I am told.
These guys all know about my current wife, Sue, her foibles, idiosyncrasies, and such. Stories have been passed around before. I am not alone in this as we have all talked about our wives at one point or another. I told them that my wife’s from the Midwest. Iowa to be exact. I am from Iowa also but in central Iowa where the dirt is good and black. Right in the Bible belt or close to it anyway. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes.’ For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’. I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
Red’s grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Perhaps that dollar came from a thong in a strip club. Makes one wonder doesn’t it. I put a reminder in my calendar to launder my currency when I get home. Oh, gross!!!!!
Okay, enough about my ‘Old Farts Coffee Klatch’. People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, an Iowa State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. “What’s the matter? Asked the Trooper “Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply. “Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.” “I can’t,” said the biker. “OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: “On behalf of my daughter Jill…”
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% “I don’t know?”. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote…They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T KNOW! (Hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say “I’m not in the mood.”
Native Iowans like native Nebraskans, like native Missourians have things peculiar to their state that sets it apart. Here are 10 undeniable things every true Iowan has done at least once.
1. Bought sweet corn from a stranger on the side of the road – or in a parking lot.
2. Made a trip to Adventureland, and got soaked on the Log Ride.
3. Eaten some delicious Midwestern soul food at the Machine Shed.
4. Made the honorary visit to see the butter sculptures at the Iowa State Fair.
5. Gone for a scenic countryside cruise on a hayride.
6. Gotten utterly lost in a corn maze.
7. Went swimming in a corn pool.
8. Eaten way too much puppy chow.
9. Tailgated at the Iowa vs. Iowa State game.
10. Experienced RAGBRAI at least once – if not riding in it, then being in one of the overnight towns.
If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!