Drivel Over Coffee #264 6/9/2015

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Benjamin Franklin

Welcome to Tuesday. This is week 3,819 on this earth for me. Really makes you feel old when you look at your age this way. Barney returned home on Friday. He was really glad to get home to his own digs. Max has been staying with Murphy to let Barney get adjusted a little. The docs recommended to keep them separated for a couple of weeks. Barney is making progress. Let’s keep him in your prayers that he regains the full use of his rear legs.

Is this a long day or what? This day is moving slower than a snail moving backwards on a turtle moving forwards. Politicians are like sperm. One in a million turn out to be an actual human being. Just sayin’.

A few things that I learned at the movies.

  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

That was about as useful as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Marriage is about sharing. I stopped to have lunch at Culver’s a while back. Next to me were an old man and his wife. Apparently, the old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. I was watching also needless to say.

Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple—all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine—they were used to sharing everything.

I noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered, “The Teeth.” You could have knocked me over with a feather.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it is probably shit.

Only in England: Erect Man Out of Naked Bike Ride

The World Naked Bike Ride, which is exactly what it sounds like, came to Kent, U.K., over the weekend, and the participants had barely got their kits off before organizers ejected a bloke for popping a stiffy.

The Cambridge News got the story from a shocked witness:

“Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around – it was a horrible sight. It’s fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much. One of the organizers went over to him and told him to put his trousers on while speaking on a walkie-talkie to police.”

“The man looked sheepish when he was spoken to by the police.”

Race organizer Barry Freeman confirmed the incident on Facebook, writing “We do not accept this behavior and he was dealt with and removed before the ride started.”

British participants in the World Naked Bike Ride, feel free to leave your trousers at home, but try not to show everyone and the Queen your bloody stonker. Quite. ….and a “stonker” is…..?

Last week I had my larynx cancer follow-up at the VA. I failed to mention an incident that occurred while I was down there. I, actually, was a bit embarrassed since my current wife was with me. I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. Sue and I got in the “A” elevator. This young well represented lady entered the elevator at the last second. The car was full so she squeezed in right in front of me. I inadvertently was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did. I don’t remember much after that.

Did you know department. Wombats poo squares. The wombat’s waste comes out in this weird square shape. No one’s sure how, but it’s useful for marking territory, as it doesn’t roll away.

Here’s to all the people who remain unharmed because I have coffee and a sense of humor. Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service.

If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!