Drivel Over Coffee #258 4/28/2015

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Ben Franklin 

Happy Trashy Tuesday to all of you. Glad you could show up today for my post-radiation blog event. I rang the bell on Monday, April 13th. Ringing the bell is a symbolic celebration on completing radiation therapy. Since 1969, the Vietnam War has impacted my life in one way or another. This is just the latest reminder of serving my country by being exposed to Agent Orange. Today I have only 3 spots on my neck that have not healed from the radiation burns. The throat and vocal cords have a way to go yet. I always found it funny that the attendant that strapped into the unit would ask me if I was okay. She asked only after placing the mask over my head. This mask is so tight you can’t move thus I had no way of answering her question.

May 13th is significant in that is was 2 days after my current wife and I added a son-in-law, a step grandson, and celebrated Jenny’s, the elder, marital adventure. To say we are delighted would be an understatement. I managed to waddle down the aisle with Jenny which seemed to take an hour to get to the altar. I also managed to deliver the Bride’s Father speech albeit in a raspy voice. We danced one last dance to the The Brothers Four “Turn Around”. I gave up at that point succumbing to the pain. It was one heck of an event though. Huge shout-outs to all that helped make it such a memorable day and night. To say that is was perfect would be an understatement. The ceremony was beautiful as were the bride and groom. Both were radiating happiness to all around them.

One of the latest edicts from the Solid Waste People regards the use of our Yardy. The Yardy is to hold compost able materials such lawn clippings, twigs, and such. They have now imposed a rule straight out of the stupid rule manual. Ye citizens shall not present the Yardy at the curb less the 2/3 full. I’m sorry but if you stop to check the degree of fullness, why not just empty it. It would be quicker to just empty it than to get check its fullness, get back in the truck, and lift it up and empty it. Duh!!!

When I get old, I’m going to move in with my kids, hog the computer, pay no bills, eat all the food, trash the house, and when asked to clean, pitch a fit like it’s killing me!

So what has been happening this past month since I last wrote? What’s that? Oh, Murphy wants to add something. Here you go Murphy. I want all you humans to know that it really sucks when one of you doesn’t feel well. You don’t want to snuggle. You don’t want to play tug of war or fetch. Yuck! My friend Barney has not been feeling well. He is eleven and getting old. My doggie prayers go out to him. My humans have been taking me to puppy day care 2 days a week. I am really glad to be going. I get to play all day with other dogs my size. My favorite is Zoey. I am really beat when I get home though. My mom left last week for 3 days to go to a meeting. I had to spend all of my time with my dad. This was kind of a downer. You see I sleep with my mom and for 2 nights she was not here. Ergo, I slept with my dad. He is not a pleasant human to sleep with. He tosses and turns all night. He coughs a lot and now he is sleeping in a recliner. For these 2 nights, I was forced to sleep on the couch while dad slept in the recliner. I hardly slept a wink with all of his fussing about. Was I glad when mom came home? You better believe it. Okay, here is dad again.

My neighbor, MacBlu, is a graduate of Ball State University. He is the only person I have known who has attended Ball State. He shared this bit of wisdom with me the other day. Nancy Carlson just retired as Associate Professor of Telecommunications from College of Communications at Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana. Here is her advice for success:

Walk Fast – People won’t see the hole in your stocking, and boring people won’t stop you to talk to you.

Sit in Front – Losers sit in the back row; to change the world, you have to be engaged with it.

Smile – Whatever’s wrong with you has nothing to do with the strangers you pass, so give them a smile.

Do the Worst First
– As Mark Twain said, “If you eat a frog first thing in the morning, anything you eat after that will be better.

Me Mindful of the Moment
– Don’t be distracted by the past or the future; you can only control the present.

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

A RETIREE’S LAST TRIP TO KROGER. An acquaintance who shall remain anonymous sent me his account of a trip to Kroger grocery. You will enjoy it I think. Yesterday I was at my local Kroger’s buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think… I had an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

I didn’t think I would see the day when French Roast didn’t taste good. Well I have seen the day. My taste buds have shut off. Nothing tastes right. Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service. Now, until we meet again. -TA!