Drivel Over Coffee #257 3/17/2015


“It won’t hurt you. It’s just to kill plants. It’s called Agent Orange…and it won’t bother humans.” ― Karl Marlantes, Matterhorn


Top of the Morning to ya! Tis St. Paddy’s Day. May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead. As you slide down the banister of life may the splinters never point in the wrong way.

Years ago I had a guy named O’Shaugnessy. He was a tech writer for me. One day soon after he clocked into work, I told him HR had just called and they want to see him right away. When O’Shaugnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. I noticed and asked if it was bad news. “To be shure it was, Boss”, he replied, “I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning” “Gosh, that’s awful, “I replied, “Do you want the rest of the day off?” “No”, replied O’Shaugnessy. “I’ll finish the day out.”

About an hour later, I returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him to go to HR. This time when O’Shaugnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and I asked if everything was alright.

“Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!”

The past few days have been filled with one thing after another starting last Friday. It was Friday the 13th. Personally, I am not superstitious but I do have a respect for it. I refuse to start anything new on Friday the 13th. I will not enter into any financial situation. Not that I am superstitious but just in case there may be something to it.

Next came Saturday. It was National PI Day. Surely, you didn’t miss that did you? We celebrated with a family breakfast at Riley’s. That is a local establishment that serves a pretty good breakfast. Service can be iffy at times. We were all in a pretty festive mood what with the wedding coming ever closer. I asked, “What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter? I surely thought Sven would get this one but it seemed to stump him also. As many of you may have guessed the correct answer is Cow Pi. By the grace of Paddy O, our meals were delivered. That jovial mood replaced by the sound of fork hitting the plate and an occasional groan.

What was so special about Sunday? It was my second day without radiation. I could actually swallow without heavy medication. I slept in my bed the entire night instead of the recliner. On the grand scale it wasn’t that big of deal I guess. But Monday was an entirely different matter. Many have heard me talk of Murphy our Boston Terrier puppy. He is about 6 months old now and beginning to feel his oats so to speak. He is looking for someone to help him sow those oats. Monday he visited the friendly vets. He had a snip/snip, a manny and peddy, a couple of baby teeth extracted. When I picked him up he was not certain he wanted to go home with me. I believe he is mad as well as sore. I hope I can get him to like me again. I have completed radiation treatment 15 of a scheduled 35. Not quite half way. I don’t know if I am prepared for the rest of them or not. What was billed at the outset as not being a big deal seems to be increasingly a larger deal with each treatment. I just took a picture of me today. I may have changed a little bit since you last saw me. I am assured that a lot of this will return to normal but I am having some doubts. I am really upset with my teeth. I spent tons of money on them but it looks as if that has all been wasted. And my eyes; oh my gosh. You can imagine just what a time I have keeping them in. They pop out all the time. Doc says to give them up for now. You think?

Naturally, my current wife and I have been busy doing those things that the parents of the bride do. Things like flowers, church stuff, and reception stuff. I seem to have one primary task – write checks. Actually, I have a couple of other assignments – make some wand thingies to shake, and the father of the bride’s speech.

I have been amassing the necessary supplies for these wand thingies including glue guns. I had not realized it but you can walk into any hobby store and buy a glue gun right over the counter. I was pleasantly shocked. I am a big second amendment proponent. Knowing this about glue guns I want to organize a glue gun group. I am going to call it NGGA – National Glue Gun Association. I hope to partner with the NRA. Can you imagine how much power these two groups could wield if they lobbied together? I have learned just about every crafter owns at least one. It concerns me greatly that glue guns will be classified the same as assault weapons therefore I want to insure that the rights of glue gun owners do not get taken away.

This father of the bride’s speech has been taking a few twists and turns I had not expected. I have been told, rather emphatically, that it should be short, must recognize everyone for coming and thanking them, relate a little bit of unknown information about the bride and so forth. What had been 38 pages before the edicts is now a mere 2 paragraphs. I have a sneaking feeling that it need to be a little longer. I am concerned about the quality of my voice. The doc says it will be a little out of whack. Why do we say something is out of whack anyway? What’s a whack?

My taste buds are getting out of sorts. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? Fortunately, the French Roast has not lost its taste which is somewhere between dirty sweat socks and Limburger cheese. I think with that it would be time for me sign off.

Lastly, how can there be self-help “groups”? No, really the last thing. I have been wondering about these diet program commercials. They all have men and women of varying ages who have lost 15 lbs., 30 lbs., 50 lbs and etc. But do they ever show anyone who has been on the program for say a year or two. Shouldn’t they have continued to lose by following the diet? Shouldn’t they weigh around 90 lbs. by now? You never see the long term. Why not inquiring minds are asking?

Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service. Now, until we meet again. -TA!